Parent Science 101 - Part One "Connecting"

by

Julianne Idleman, Hand in Hand Program Director

Connection is essential to raise healthy, capable, successful children. But don't take my word for it. There is lots of fascinating science on the subject that makes surprisingly good reading.

For example, Dr. Daniel Siegel of the UCLA School of Medicine, said in a 2001 article,"the infant is born into the world genetically programmed to connect with caregivers". According to Siegel's research, children who experience a strong attachment early in life do better as they grow up. "Longitudinal studies have found that securely attached children appear to have a number of positive outcomes in their development. These include enhanced emotional flexibility, social functioning and cognitive abilities."

Developing a close connection with a child doesn't just encourage the child to develop skills but actually programs the brain to use what it learns well. Siegel, in further research, tells us, "In fact, experience shapes brain structure. How we treat our children changes who they are and how they develop. Their brains need parental involvement.  Nature needs nurture." (Siegel, 2004; p. 34).

The deep breath you took instead of yelling at the teenager who's pushing all your buttons just allowed them a moment to practice regulating their own emotional states. What you do to promote connection, even the very small things, matters.

The Education Training Research Associates, (ETR) with funding from the Annie E. Casey Foundation, conducted a literature review on the effects of parents developing a secure connection with their children early in life.  

ETR's review of over 600 research studies concludes that Parent Child Connectedness is the "super-protective factor" against adverse outcomes in adolescence. PCC is the single strongest indicator that an adolescent will reach adulthood without experiencing teen pregnancy or violence, without becoming addicted to drugs or tobacco, and without dropping out of high school.

Psychotherapy and Somatic Experiencing. By Elizabeth Greason and Beth Cassel

Working with the body can be an important, yet all too often neglected, aspect of psychotherapy. We usually think of psychotherapy as a means of processing and integrating our thoughts and emotions, most often in the context of our relationships with others and our environment. Many of us might not realize how much of the physically embodied dimension of our lives–which includes perception, sensation, and movement– is directly related to how we think and feel about ourselves and the world around us. Both Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and Somatic Experiencing offer us a way of accessing and processing issues through the body, while integrating our somatic (body) experiences with cognitive and emotional processing. Working across the mind-body interface can often be more effective than working with thoughts and feelings alone.

Nowhere else is this more true that in the processing of trauma. In trauma, we perceive that our life is threatened. This degree of threat affects us in our nervous system, musculature, hormones, and brain, in addition to our psyche. In the face of trauma, our capacity to calmly think through a life-threatening situation fades into the background, while our fight/flight/freeze responses quickly jump into the foreground. We can easily feel out of control of our actions, as a more primitive physical intelligence takes over in the service of survival. When these bodily survival responses do not fully complete themselves (as frequently happens in humans due to our complex thinking habits), they can become fixed in the nervous system, leading to PTSD symptoms. Physical symptoms such as hyper-arousal, hypo-arousal, constriction, and numbing, can become coupled with psychological issues of dissociation, feeling helpless, anxious, depressed, isolated, and out of control.

In these two therapies, we work directly with these reactions in the body in a safe and contained way. By helping to facilitate complete processing of the physical reactions to trauma, survivors can experience a marked reduction of PTSD symptoms. We allow this processing to occur through the cultivation of mindful awareness, the close tracking of gross and subtle body sensations and movement impulses, facilitating their own organic expression and pathways through the body. The experience might be likened to a very slowed down sequence of waves in the ocean; each one progressively gaining momentum, rising, cresting, then falling away, receding back into the ocean of one’s body.

Equally important is the strengthening of somatic resources. When we have resources, we are able to experience a buffer between ourselves and the harshness of our environment. When we feel strong, comfortable, confident, and at peace in our bodies, we are likely to feel strong, comfortable, confident, and peaceful in our minds. A body-oriented therapist utilizes somatic resourcing exercises such as appropriate boundary setting, reaching out, centering, and grounding, all of which create an important foundation in helping a person tolerate the actual processing of trauma.

Using Somatic Experiencing and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, we find that providing new and supportive experiences in the body can also lead to more effective processing and integration of deeply held emotions and cognitive beliefs. Our goals include reduction of symptoms, decrease in overall distress, ability to feel in control of one’s life, increase in comfort and pleasure, capacity for satisfying relationships with others, and capacity for fullness of meaning– including meaning around the trauma itself.

Call 415/453-1403 or email kate@kebrennan.com to schedule a 20 minute consultation at no charge.

Start Where You Are. By Kate Brennan MFT

Being a parent is a demanding job. Parents are in a state of readied alert and service much of the time. It is a set up for feeling depleted. We have all had times where through the fog of our exhaustion, we somehow muster the energy to complete the task at hand only to collapse in a heap afterward. Most of the time with a little rest we bounce back. At other times the exhaustion is such that it impacts our daily lives. There are many things you can do at this point.

Starting with your physical wellbeing, you may want to rule out any adrenal exhaustion or other imbalance. The endocrine system is critical to hormonal balance and can be impacted by stress.

Receiving supportive nutrition is also very important. Nursing mothers need to make sure they are getting their omega 3’s. In fact, it is a good idea for everyone to make sure they are receiving adequate amounts of this important nutrient.

5htp may also be indicated. 5htp is a precursor to serotonin an important neurotransmitter in the brain, which can become depleted under stress. A nutritionist or doctor’s visit can help you figure out what it is you may be lacking.

Exercise is also very important. The release of endorphins through exercise is effective in combating stress. Jan Hanson’s book Mother Nurture is a wonderful book that addresses that all too common syndrome of parental exhaustion. Jan, an acupuncturist and nutritionist found herself in her own state of complete physical and emotional exhaustion after the birth of her second child. It is her story back to health and a guide for other mothers who may be struggling with similar issues.

But perhaps most important is to “Start where you are”. The quote comes from Pema Chodron’s book of the same name. That simple sentence holds so much grace if we let it. Beginning where you are without judgment on the self can do much to restore the vitality needed to not only care for others but to care for yourself.

Kate Brennan MFT is the founder of Marin Therapy Partners which offers therapy for families including postpartum depression, attachement, sensory motor processing, PTSD, ADD, anxiety and depression. She can be reached at kate@kebrennan.com and at 415/453-1402

What is Somatic Experiencing

From the somatic Experiencing website:

What is Somatic Experiencing® (SE)?

Somatic Experiencing® is a body-awareness approach to trauma being taught throughout the world. It is the result of over forty years of observation, research, and hands-on development by Dr. Levine. Based upon the realization that human beings have an innate ability to overcome the effects of trauma, Somatic Experiencing has touched the lives of many thousands. SE® restores self-regulation, and returns a sense of aliveness, relaxation and wholeness to traumatized individuals who have had these precious gifts taken away. Peter has applied his work to combat veterans, rape survivors, Holocaust survivors, auto accident and post surgical trauma, chronic pain sufferers, and even to infants after suffering traumatic births.

SE facilitates the healing of trauma by teaching and guiding those who have been traumatized to release stored or blocked survival energy and to complete interupted phsyiological process that have gotten “stuck” in the nervous system–in a safe, effective and contained way.

Benefits of Somatic Experiencing  From Human Enrichment website:  www.traumahealing.com

SE employs awareness of body sensation to help people “re-negotiate” and heal rather than re-live or re-enact the trauma

SE guides bodily “felt sense” which allows highly aroused survival energies to be safely experienced and gradually discharged

SE “titrates” experience rather than evoking catharsis–which can overwhelm the regulatory mechanisms of the organism

SE eliminates pitfalls of re-traumatization and the spurious generation of “false memories”

You Are Your Child's Best Bet: How keeping them close leads to their independence

Kate Brennan MFT

The topic of attachment is getting a lot of interest these days. While a lot has been written about early infant and toddler attachment, the issue of attachment when raising older children or teens gets little press or at worst criticism.

More and more the phrase “helicopter parent” gets bantered about in reference to a caretaker who is seemingly over involved in the lives of their offspring. While it is true that micro managing a life does little to encourage mastery on the part of the child, it is also true that we live in a modern culture that offers up a glut of cheap thrills that seem to undermine the deep bonds we are trying to create with our children. Have we lost our senses? Certainly it seems we have lost our way.

It is in a child’s best interest to be attached to those who matter most to him. Peers are fickle and often subject each other to rejection (sometimes brutal) on a whim. Parents and other adults in a child’s life are the polestar, the constant to their developing sense of self. If a child does not have a deep connection to the adults in charge they will attach to their peers. Kids and especially teens have always needed to define themselves as separate and independent from their parents. However, it is from strong attachments with their parents that the foundation for independence is laid.

Today more than ever kids are using technology as a form of peer attachment. Technology now provides the opportunity to stay connected 24/7. It is being used primarily as a way to preserve contact with peers and peer culture. It is critical to think through how children and teens are using technology and what the implications of these forces are on the family.

Attachment parenting does not mean meeting a need for a child which can be fulfilled independently, It means being able to understand what the needs are, how they change over time and circumstance, being flexible in devising ways to respond, and most of all just making ourselves available to them.

Kate Brennan is the founder of Marin Therapy Partners which offers therapy for families including postpartum depression, attachement, sensory motor processing, PTSD, ADD, anxiety and depression.

For information and appointments we can be reached at 415.453-1402  orKate@kebrennan.com

 This article comes from Rick Wilkes & Cathy Vartuli of Thriving Now. It is a good illustration of how sometimes even benign incidents can impact us years later. The good news is that through simple techniques such as EFT and Somatic Experiencing we can resolve these patterns and return to our natural state.


Sara had a pretty normal, healthy childhood. Her parents mostly were available and loving. She wasn't abused. She lived in a nice neighborhood and had friends she really liked. She did well in school. You wouldn't expect her to need to know about Trauma Relief.

But Sara does have some trauma. Some early experiences are "stuck" in her primitive brain... and these hold her back and keep her from feeling as alive and connected as she wants to be as an adult.

Let's look at one of these little t traumas...

When she was three, Sara was very excited about a painting she had made. The colors and energy of her painting made her feel very happy. She was so proud of her efforts and wanted to share it with Mommy.

She ran over to show her mother, who unbeknownst to Sara had just had a bad fight with Sara's father. "Mommy, Mommy, look at what I did!!" Sara's mother was normally encouraging, but on this day, she spoke sharply to Sara, and told her "Calm down, and stop making a big deal about everything! And look at the paint you got all over the floor!"

Sara's primitive brain reacted to her mother's words. She was not accustomed to an angry mother. This felt strange and frightening. The survival part of her brain knew that having a caring and loving mother was MUCH safer than an angry and frustrated one. Because Sara hadn't experienced this type of situation before, she was confused and unsure of herself. She didn't know what to do.

Her primitive brain went through its three options when safety is compromised: Flight, Fight, or Freeze. What would it be?

Flight: Where would she go? Who would protect her if she fled? She needed her mother and running away would make Mom even madder.

Fight: Not a good idea. Mom was already mad... and lots bigger! No way to win.

Freeze: No other choice! It's what we do when flight or fight are rejected by our primitive brain. So... Sara froze.

(Please note that Sara's mom didn't do anything terrible. She certainly didn't mean to hurt her child! And there may not have been obvious clues that her daughter was traumatized.)

Remember, what seems trivial or minor to an adult can seem life-threatening to a child. A child doesn't have the personal survival resources or understanding of human nature adults do, and children also have a lot less experience handling such emotionally charged situations.

Of course, not every child will deal with a given problem in the same way. The primitive brain's reaction is influenced by the child's stage of growth and development, and some children are more sensitive than others (which is okay...). On a different day, who knows... Sara might have shrugged it off, and it wouldn't have effected Sara's future much at all. But on this day, part of her became very frightened.

Because this situation was interpreted as a threat, Sara's primitive brain stored all the environmental clues it could: room temperature, the smell of dinner cooking, the lawn mower in the neighbors yard, what her mother was wearing... all were stored. Any emotions or prior activities that might have caused the "danger" were stored as well. What were some of those?

- She was painting.
- She was feeling happy and proud.
- She was excited about what she created.
- She wanted to share her creation with someone she loved.
- She ran.
- Her mother was scowling.

Now, not all traumas stay unresolved. If the person can discharge the trauma by shaking or running or fixing the problem, they unfreeze. They might also unfreeze if they talk can about it honestly and feel comforted and supported. And sometimes, over time, other experiences allow the trauma to resolve and the intensity to go away. (This is where the expression "Time heals all wounds" comes from. It's just not always true....)

When someone "unfreezes," it starts an evaluation process between the primitive brain and our "rational mind" (the cognitive brain). The cognitive brain decides what is relevant for well-being and discards the rest. In this case, it would probably decide that "mom scowling" might be something to stay away from, and that being careful not to drip paint all over is a good thing. Trauma resolved, and we go on with our lives with some new knowlege.

Let's go back to Sara. As a child, Sara stayed frozen. Because of that unresolved trauma, she's being affected by it as an adult. So let's look at what happened and how we might bring relief now...

Sara's mom didn't notice anything wrong... Sara was just really quiet. Because her mother needed to resolve the previous fight with her husband (and clean up the paint), she gave Sara a quick dinner in the kitchen and then put her to bed without the usual story. Feeling isolated and punished reinforced her fear of losing love and support. Her body wanted to cry and shake and sob to discharge the trauma... but of course, Big Girls Don't Cry.

The primitive brain has the intelligence of a small dog. It does its best, but it doesn't have the same capabilities as the cognitive brain. As it is sorting through the "causes" of the "terrible thing," it latches onto the energy that felt most intense to Sara at the moment of trauma. She was creative and proud and excited. The primitive brain decides that was the cause of the dangerous problem.

Don't do that again!!!

Anytime Sara feels creative and full of energy, her primitive brain derails her... and will continue to do so until the trauma is discharged. Why? It isn't safe!

In its attempts to keep her safe at all costs, the primitive brain can use images stored in her memory bank. She might hear a derogatory voice yelling in her head, "Look at what you did!"

Or, she might find that she thinks she isn't capable, not smart enough to be creative, and she shouldn'tenjoy it. After awhile, she learns to avoid those situations that make her feel bad. She does very well in school, but struggles in creative writting and art. She finds a job that is challenging and intellectual but doesn't require a lot of original self-expression. Overall, she is quite happy and fulfilled, but this fear does take some energy to avoid and sometimes she is a bit bored. She feels stifled for some inexplicable reason.

Let's not leave Sara there!

Life often has a way of bringing our deepest fears to our attention. Sara's best friend has always wanted to learn to draw. She begs Sara to sign up for a continuing education class with her after work. Sara feels very disinterested, even reluctant, but she finally gives in, while protesting that she can't draw at all! They head off to the first class together (with Sara dragging her feet the whole way).

Luckily, the artist teaching the class has a new way of helping people past their blocks. She starts each class out with some tapping on resistances people normally face. The tapping does seem to help Sara feel more calm and grounded when they draw, but she insists that her work is very poor. She is not enjoying herself.

Her doubts and fears are magnified when she tries to do anything more than mechanical copying.

At the beginning of the third class, the teacher has them tap on "I'm not very creative." She askes them to remember a time when they did feel creative. Sara immediately flashes to the "terrible time" when she was 3. She tries to dismiss it, but the thoughts keep coming up. Finally, when the teacher is walking around helping individuals, she asks her if the memory is important. Because of the intensity of the emotions around the memory, the teacher thinks it might be helpful to do some tapping specifically on this event.

After class, her teacher leads Sara through some tapping. "Even though I felt hurt and scared, I am a good person anyway." Some different aspects come up as they tap: fear that she dissapointed or hurt her mother... the belief that she is excitable and has to always calm herself down... fear that being creative will make her so self-absorbed that she won't pay attention to "more important things."

As they tap, Sara feels lighter and lighter... more hopeful and free.

After about 30 minutes, she feels fine when she tells the story of what happened. The trauma is unfrozen. The cognitive brain can start processing the information, and Sara can go on with her life with more vitality and confidence.

In fact, after tapping through that negative experience (and a few others), she now has more energy. Work is more fun, and she is noticing new ways she could expand her job-function. She's found herself laughing spontaneously and smiling at random moments. She's even started liking the drawing class! She feels closer to her friends and her husband.

As an added bonus, she has a new skill... Tapping... that she can use whenever she feels tense or stressed. She doesn't have to suffer with her fears and frustrations any more.

Overcoming Trauma by Patty Wipfler

A parent asked about helping her young son with a half-moment-long traumatic experience that he recently had. He came out of it unhurt, but really frightened. That evening, he talked about it again and again, and was clingy and worried at bedtime. Since then, all kinds of questions and thoughts about death are occurring to him. This mother wondered how to help him recover his confidence.

It’s a very good sign that your son was talking a lot and showing you his feelings after his brush with helplessness. Trusting you with his thoughts and worries is the first step in healing. The fact that his mind keeps going to this place of worry means that he’s looking for more help. Here are some ideas to work with.

Fear upends your child’s ability to process his experience

A traumatic experience like his, even one that turns out well, creates a knot of fear in a child’s emotional memory. That knot is a bundle of all the sights, sounds, and physical perceptions he took in during the seconds he was in danger, glued together by a stark shot of emotion—fear. His mind is not going to be able to process the details of what happened to him, to sort out the experience, store what can be learned, and drop it and move on, until he’s been able to fully and safely express his innate reaction to fear.

To explain it a different way, when your son eats a piece of toast and peanut butter, his mind takes in the taste, the look of the kitchen, the feel of the chair under his bottom, and whatever the conversation is around him at the moment. All is safe, so these thousands of bits of data, collected over the 5 minutes it takes him to finish his toast, all get very nicely processed by his mind. He understands his experience, files it away, and doesn’t have to consciously remember it, because not much unfamiliar has happened, as long as there’s no big emotional event that occurs while he’s having his toast. But a child in the midst of a traumatic moment is in danger. His perception of danger triggers an internal “fight or flight” response. If he can’t flee, and can’t fight, his body goes into “wait it out” mode, but is still in an emotionally charged state of fear.  His mind records the emotions that go with the “danger of death!” perception, along with all the information that his mind encounters during the threatening moments. All that information is wadded together with the feeling of fear. He can’t learn from the experience, because every time his mind tries to access one small bit of the information he took in, out comes the whole emotional charge. The experience can’t be sorted. But his mind wants to try. So a child will talk about the experience, with emotion lurking not far under the surface. Or he will set up games that frame his fear in order to try to process it. Or he will experience the fear once again, full on, at the mere sight of something vaguely related to what he remembers, or wrapped in a dream that he wakes from in terror.

How children recover from a fearful incident

Children have a natural emotional processing system they try to use after a frightening incident. We sometimes get in their way, but they do their best to offload the emotion of fear. You’ll see your child using this elegant process if you see him trembling, screaming, or crying wildly after an incident like that. Support this process as best you can.

Do your best not to inject your fears or anger into the situation.

To help a child release the fear lodged in his mind , it usually takes a safe, quiet, relatively unruffled person to anchor him. It’s safest for the frightened child when it’s his emotion that’s the focus, not the adult’s upset about what just happened. Of course, for a parent not to be upset after a child has been in danger is an almost superhuman feat. When the parent panics or becomes angry, his fear transfers into the child, who then needs to heal from what happened to him and also the added fear he felt when his parent reacted.

Stay close, Staylisten.

So, for any “next time” that might occur, as soon as you are able to notice that your child is alive and is going to be OK, it will help for you to say very little, move in close, pay attention, and let him talk, cry, tremble or scream. Give him the safety and the time to fully feel the very uncomfortable emotions that follow a trauma. Make sure no further harm can be done, then stay right with your child, receive whatever reaction he has, and don’t hurry on to do anything. The longer you can stay right where it happened (or if that’s not safe, then very close by), and pay close attention to whatever feelings pour out of him, the better he can loosen the hold of the fear he just experienced.

Often, a child gripped by fear wants to cling to his parent and stare over the parent’s shoulder or bury his head in the parent’s body. The child appears to be comforted, but can’t engage in a relaxed way with anyone, because he’s not finished processing the highly uncomfortable feelings he needs express before he can walk away unafraid in the end. So hold him close, but keep turning him so he faces you—he needs to be able to meet your gaze if he chooses. Most frightened children can’t and won’t make more than fleeting eye contact with their parents for awhile, because eye contact intensifies their release of fear. So offering eye contact at every possible moment is very important in maintaining a child’s immediate sense of safety and support, and in keeping the noisy emotional healing process going.

Don’t get busy alleviating a child’s panic. Your child needs you to anchor him.

A child will sometimes become panicked after a fright, and jump up and down in a kind of tantrum, begging to leave, or to have his comfort item brought to him, or to get some water—he feels tremendous urgency about something. The danger the child has experienced transfers from the incident, now over, to the present moment, as if the real issue were that he needs that object, or that change in the situation. Don’t accommodate your child’s avoidance of difficult feelings, but do reassure him. Your position needs to be, “Honey, we’re not going to leave right now. You’re safe. You made it. We can stay right here.” Or, “I know you want your blanket. But it’s in the car. We’ll get it later. Right now, you have me. I’m keeping you safe.” Or, “Honey, I know you’re thirsty. We’ll get water in a bit. Right now, I want to stay with you. Being right with you is very important to me.”

If you move your focus to trying to make your child comfortable, it may derail the emotional processing, and he will carry this same intense sense of unease into later times. Children emerge from traumatic experiences more completely if someone understands that this panic is a byproduct of the experience that’s already been survived. It needs to be shared for healing to be complete. Healing takes place when a child has the safety of his parents’ arms, the time and permission to show how awful he feels, and steady reassurance that all is well.

A child will continue to try to work through leftover fear.

When a child can’t work all the way through his feelings about a trauma right when it happens, those feelings erupt again and again, changing the child’s behavior, and sometimes even his personality. But some simple interventions on your part can help your child feel safe enough to revisit the feelings, now stuck inside his emotional memory, and process them.

Special Time is the Listening Tool to start with. There’s an article on our web site about how to do Special Time: you put your child in charge of what you will do together, clear your mind, bring an attitude of warm interest and delight, and set a timer. Your child has 100% of your attention for, say, 20 minutes. What he does during that 20 minutes is less important than your focus on connecting during that time, with added eye contact, added warmth, added affection, and added enjoyment. Children will sometimes set up games that show how they felt about the traumatic moments they experienced. Sometimes, the Special Time is spent doing things together that seem fairly ordinary, but afterward, big feelings erupt over a piece of toast cut “wrong,” or who gets to sit in the red chair at the table. Sometimes, nightmares arise that encapsulate a child’s terror, and you can help your child work it through that way.

Your child needs your warmth and attention to face feeling afraid again. And you need to let him have these occasions when he’s wildly upset over some small thing, so you can move in, anchor him, and promote this messy but efficient process of getting panic and terror out, so your love and reassurance can take its place in his emotional memory.

Play with laughter (but without tickling) is also deeply healing.

Playlistening is another Listening Tool that helps children overcome fears they’ve acquired from traumatic experiences. You notice what lets your child giggle, and you do more of that. Laughter is a powerful release of the lighter fears a child carries, and it helps a child’s perspective to have the upper hand in play.

For instance, I did extensive work with a child in our school who had had five major surgeries to correct a birth defect by the time he was four years old. He was a timid and quiet child. He never exerted himself in play. Somehow, our play evolved into a game in which I would hide under a big beanbag, and he would run around it. I would “hiccup” under the beanbag, and he would laugh very hard. I would hiccup, he would laugh. For weeks, that was the game. Slowly but surely, he became brave enough to jump on me under the bag, and then I would hiccup him off. Or he would throw a ball at me under there. More hearty, loose laughter. On and on the game went, day by day, until he was running at me, jumping on me, and I had to work hard to shake him off, all to great laughter. As his bravery in play progressed, he made good strides in talking, standing up for himself, and engaging with other children.

For a child who has been through an incident of physical danger, you might try playfully running to him when he has a very minor bump or tumble, “Emergency, emergency rescue! Hello, sir, how can we help? Hmmm, let me see. Is it the leg? (You shake his leg, pat it all over, move it around). No, not the leg, maybe it’s the toes. Sir, may I count your toes? Well, all the toes are here, maybe it’s the cheek. Let me see that cheek, sir!” Make a big, friendly, goofy fuss. See, when you inspect in this slightly silly way, if he can laugh a bit, or try to run away, so you can run after him, “Sir, sir! I’m your emergency helper! Sir, please don’t go! I have to check out all your parts, sir!” He has the upper hand, but you keep pursuing. He keeps showing you he’s OK, but you play a kind of “happy puppy” version of an emergency worker. Be all over him with affection. Watch what elicits a laugh, and do that some more.

You will need listening time for yourself, to be patient enough to help your child.

To be relaxed while you do this, you are probably going to need someone to listen to how it was for you to go through this experience with him. Your anger, your surprise, your worry, your own fears, and whatever memories this incident triggered for you about similar moments in your own life—these are things to talk to another adult about, so your own tears and trembling can flow. You, too, have been through a trauma. You’ll be a much more effective listener for your child once the worries locked into your own system are expressed and released. Don’t try to just tell the story. Go ahead and show your fears, go ahead and let that tantrum out. Go ahead and cry hard. He made it, but he was in danger. You saw. You felt. Tell someone how it was, and every detail you remember.

Using Listening Tools, you have the power to heal your child’s traumatic experience.

Special Time, Playlistening and Staylistening will help you partner with your child to offload the fright now stored in his memory. As he faces his fears, both playfully and gripped by panic in your arms, he’ll have your support and the safety of an entirely benign situation. Time by time, his mind will release chunks of feelings, so that he is no longer governed by the leftover fear from his experience. And you, helpless during that moment, will have worked effectively and powerfully with him to help him recover.

In memory of my friend Jan Kristal

Yesterday I found out that my friend and mentor Jan Kristal passed away from breast cancer.  Everything I know about temperament I learned from Jan. She was the leader in the field of temperament.  I feel blessed to have had her as a friend. Today I came across an article Jan wrote for me years ago when I had the Family Counseling Center in Mill Valley. I was going to write an article on children's temperament and then this showed up tucked away in a desktop file. A gift from Jan. So it is in loving memory that I reprint this article. 

 Understanding Children's Temperaments

My college background taught me that children were a product of their environment and behavioral difficulties were due to the relationship with the primary care givers. Then I had children. Armed with my degree in Child Psychology, I felt prepared to handle whatever came my way. My first daughter was shy, quiet, and easy to reason with and discipline. I was successful because of my knowledge of child psychology and our obviously good attachment. My second daughter was LOUD, a mind of her own. Discipline was a challenge that often became a power struggle. What worked with my older daughter did not work with my second. What was happening? My parenting style was the same/ Our home environment was positive and supportive. What was I doing Wrong? At that time I didn't know that I was dealing with two different temperaments.

What exactly is temperament? Temperament is a child's behavioral style. It is how the child responds to the surrounding world. Temperament consists of the individual differences that make each child unique. The study of temperament is based on the pioneering research of psychiatrists Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas who followed 133 babies for over thirty years from infancy to adulthood. Chess and Thomas noticed some children with behavior problems came form "good" environments and others who were doing well came from seemingly "bad" environments. They were convinced that babies had innate differences that were probably as important as the family's influence in determining behavior. Through their study they identified nine temperament traits: sensitivity, activity level, intensity of reaction, rythmicity, adaptability, approach/withdrawal, persistence, distractibility, and mood. They also found that about 10-15% of children had "difficult" temperaments.

Chess and Thomas learned that taking into account the child's temperament helped them to make more specific treatment strategies. Since each child is different, each child needs a different approach. Temperament does not determine behavior alone, just as the environment is not the sole cause. Rather, it is the interaction of environment and temperament that determines behavior. This important interaction is known as "Goodness or Poorness of Fit". The way in which a child's temperament "fits" with the environment is important in healthy adjustment. Expecting an active child to sit quietly through a long, formal dinner is an example of "poor fit". A child who is uncomfortable and withdrawing in new situations will experience "poor fit" and become anxious and more withdrawn if constantly forced to "get in there and swim or sink". A child who has difficulty shifting gears will do well when prepared for the transition and allowed a bit more time to make the adjustment, thus a "good fit" has been achieved.

Society tends to discourage differences in individuals. Temperament speaks to these differences. It increases the range of what is considered "normal" behavior. It can also provide ways to improve fit with the environment. In this way, differences are acknowledged and worked with rather than ignored or made into problems.

Understanding a child's temperament at an early age helps parents, teachers or other adults in the child's life, know how to respond to daily behavior in a way that encourages goodness of fit and a healthy relationship. As a child moves from infancy into toddler hood, the preschool years and beyond, temperament determines how the child responds to the world.

Temperament information can be used in a variety of settings. Pediatricians have found temperament information valuable in helping them know how a child will react to a medical procedure and also helps them provide more accurate behavioral advice to parents. Teachers find it helps them understand how children will learn in the classroom and deal with problematic classroom behavior. Therapists use it a s tool in devising more effective treatment strategies. Parents use this information to help them deal with challenging situations. Temperament information provides one more piece of the puzzle that can be used to further understanding of behavior and help form more positive relationships.

parents and professionals who consider temperament as an integral part of each child are able to know how the child will react in certain situations and can then plan ahead to prevent problems. They are able to work with , rather then against the child to determine the most effective strategies, and they welcome the unique individual differences each child brings to an interaction. Understanding temperament won't stop behavior form happening, but it does help manage it more effectively.


You can read more of her work in her book: The Temperament Perspective.


Preventive ounce is a free online resource for parents. An interactive site to discover more about your child's temperament.
http://www.preventiveoz.org/

Encouragement: The Language of Love

Rudolf Dreikurs, a noted child specialist, once said a child needs encouragement as a plant needs water.  He believed that the lack of encouragement was considered to be the basic cause of misbehavior.  "A misbehaving child is a discouraged child" he would say.

Remember for a moment what it must be like to be a small child.  From the vantage point of a child, adults appear to be coordinated, efficient and able to make things happen with ease.  A small child's abilities pale by comparison.  Children respond to numerous situations with a wonderful desire to gain skills and to overcome the deep sense of their own smallness and inadequacy.  They so earnestly want to be a part of the family.  Children possess tremendous amounts of courage as they learn new tasks in spite of being surrounded by people who are big, clever and competent.  How strong would our motivation be if we found ourselves placed among giants to whom nothing appeared impossible? Yet, children persevere despite these tremendous odds.

A child attempts to find his or her place through being useful.  It may be tempting for parents to do everything themselves because it is easier and faster.  However, without even realizing it, we run the risk of discouraging our children when we assume this attitude.  When a 2 yr. old wants to help pour a glass of milk we quickly become filled with apprehension imagining the potential mess.  Often with very young children we feel that when they are older they'll be able to complete the given task, but for now we will do it for them.  Now is the time to instill faith in them that they can accomplish something no matter how imperfect.  We need to allow them and ourselves the courage to be imperfect.  If milk is spilled, we can acknowledge the spirit of their attempt, wipe up the spilt milk and say "try again - you can do it." The child had the fortitude to undertake a new challenge, encourage them by showing them your faith that they can achieve their goal.

If a child happily struggles to make a less then perfect bed, resist the temptation to show how much better it can be done no matter how many wrinkles there might be.  Fixing the bed will only ruin the pleasure of accomplishment in the small child and foster a sense of discouragement.  Instead the parents can show reassurance by sharing in their delight to make the bed.  "Look at you, you made your own bed" or "You pulled your covers up all by yourself."  Point out what's going well and build on that.  After the child has made his or her bed a few more times alone, a parent can help add more encouragement and further training by placing suggestions.  Children love to learn and will sense your desire to help them by providing support. For example you could say, "What would happen if we pulled here?"Another idea is to have fun with the learning experience by turning it into a game or song.  "Mr. Headboard loves to have the covers pulled way up.  Hello Mr. Headboard."


Parents can also create opportunities for children to learn cooperation and responsibility by setting up tasks that are simple enough to ensure success.  Children need to know they're important, useful, contributing members of the family.  For example, 2-3 yr. olds can help put groceries away on a lower shelf, fold washcloths and socks, choose their outfit for the day, wipe up their own messes and even place napkins, plates and silverware on the table (perhaps not correctly at first).  Take time for training, let them know your are available if they need help, then step back and don't jump in unless asked.  Notice the contribution instead of the quality of work done.

Children need room to grow and test their abilities.  As parents, we can direct attention from the perfection of accomplishments to the satisfaction of contributing.  Learning to love a lumpy bed for awhile is well worth it if it means a sense of achievement and belonging to a child. 

How to handle tantrums. By Kate Brennan

Staying connected to children when they express strong emotions can be a challenge. Our very first impulse may be to get a tantrum to stop. This is a natural impulse. Tantrums are often loud, inconvenient and stressful for parents. What if we were to turn our usual response on its head? Rather than distractions, time outs, threats or bribes, we did something radical. We moved in a little closer.

Children are most vulnerable to tantrums when they are tired, hungry, over stimulated, frightened etc. These are the triggers that may set off a tantrum. But if we dig a little deeper we see that these triggers are not the real issue. The child is feeling disconnected and off track. The child is releasing accumulated tensions that have built up. This release is a natural and healthy part of development.

Lets use an adult as an example. (We’re not much different.) It’s been a long week. You didn’t get the promotion you had hoped for. You get a flat tire. You are late for a meeting, and now you’ve just spilled coffee on yourself. At that moment you begin to cry. All the pent up emotion wells up in you and you release the tension by crying. (It should be noted that some people yell or pick a fight at this time. This is not unlike what some children do. What underlies this however, are feelings of disappointment, frustration, isolation, disconnection and hopelessness.)

This same process is happening with our children when they are crying and throwing tantrums. They have lost their connection to us and to themselves. They may have had one large incident or many small ones that have gotten them off track. Crying in the presence of someone who they trust is the healing balm they need. (That is why they often leave the tantrum for the person they love and trust deeply. Lucky us.) Seeing a tantrum in this way can help the parent not to take it personally and stay connected to the child. The presence of a trusted other while the child weeps, shakes and evens sweats, helps the child find their way back to themselves. Most importantly, when a child gets to release their tension they are freed up to learn and to love once again. This sets up the optimal conditions for development. (Think for a moment how a person who is in a state of stress cannot learn or think clearly.)

It is never easy to be with a child who is having a tantrum and sometimes we are just too tired and stressed to do the work. Let your child know that you love them and will keep them safe. If that is all you can muster up that will be enough. Don’t worry. There will be another opportunity! Parents need to be rested and feel supported themselves to be there for others. Finding another parent, trusted friend or professional whom you can share your worries and frustrations with will help you feel supported and give you the encouragement you need to do the work.